OKAY, it had to happen.

My first DRUNK blog.

That’s right, I currently am PLASTERED beyond rational description.  And I won’t even tell you how many times I have already back-spaced to correct the spelling in this post.

Fortunately, I have this wonderful system that allows me to correct my typing before I actually submit something…yeah.  God Bless the mighty Spell Checker.

Anyway…I am feeling no pain.   My downstairs neighbor is cool enough to be a partier-magnet.  That is, there are seemingly ALWAYS people visiting.  –And drinking.  Lots of beer flows in the little appartment downstairs.  Lots of cigaretts burn to ashes on the balcony just downstairs from my own.

And this evening, I could smell the smoke, and I heard VOICES, MAN!!!  (And they weren’t in my head–that was the whole problem.)  So–I went out on my balcony tonight…and my neighbor said, “What are you up to?”

And I said…”Not much.”

So…

I grabbed a fith of Potter’s Vodka out of my larder…and I went downstairs…and I knocked on the door.  My neighbor’s friend answered.  And I said…”Is this a private party…or can anybody join?”  …and I waved the bottle…and he let me in.

That bottle is empty now…and I’m happy.

You see, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to drink alone.

I’ve had a cupboard full of booze for, like…six months.  And with no friends who drink, I haven’t touched a DROP!!  That bottle of VODKA has sat there untouched since 2006.   (Normally, I’m a Tequilla drinker, and my last drinking  group in 2008 was a buncha Mexicans…duh.)  So…Vodka time.

I drank about half of the bottle myself…the rest, I shared with the group.  And, as I said, I’m good and drunk.

Life is good.

SASS has spoken.

P.s., Idid I actually say anything about the party?  No?  Well..I guess that’s a subject for ANOTHER blog entry…sorry.

I’m too drunk to talk about that……..

– the SASS Man

This one goes out to all the losers, the zeroes, and the underappreciated and disenfranchised everywhere.

Today,  I have seen the most extrordinary performance ever by one of Jim Henson’s “Muppets” that I have ever witnessed.

This performance wasn’t the work of Gonzo the Great; it wasn’t one of Ms. Piggy’s infamous tirades; it wasn’t Fozzy’s comedic genius;  it wasn’t even an example of Kermit the Frog’s own fomidible talent.

No … this amazing performance was put fourth by none other than the single-most put-down, pathetic, and under-rated creature on the entire Muppets cast.

This incredible multi-song line-up was fronted and performed … by Beaker.

“BEAKER?” you might ask in disbelief.  And, you would be right in assuming that the poor thing couldn’t carry a tune to save his life…or even speak except in unintelligible squeeks and meeps.  As the assistant to the Muppets’ resident mad-scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker fits a doubly low role as the butt of all jokes and the subject of the good scientist’s “experiments.”  In short, Beaker is an unmitigated, unabashed, and un-salvagable ZERO.

But Beaker has hidden talent … Beaker can Lip-sync!  And in that performance, for at least one night, Beaker shines!  And yes, my friends, Beaker brought the house down.  And he looked GOOD doing it!

See for yourself:

Beaker on YouTube

In all, Beaker went on to perform at least half a dozen songs, lip-syncing everything from Abba’s “Mama Mia” to Guns ‘n Roses’ “Mr Brownstone” to U2’s “With Or Without You” … even Metallica’s “Master of Puppets”! … all while looking good doing it.  I mean, in “Yellow”, he’s convincing!

This is from The Muppet Show’s ultimate looser!  I would never have expected Beaker to be the star of any Muppets number, let alone the lead in an entire night’s musical lineup!

Of course, now I must also confess to you that each of these numbers was edited–put together from bits of Muppet Show recordings–by the users of You-Tube and other video-sharing websites.  (The footage was mostly from the UK version of “The Muppet Show” episode 424,  which aired February 1980).  Unfortunately, Beaker never performed these songs on the show–and that’s a pity, because these videos show Jim Henson’s most lovable looser in a mode that really is anything but pathetic.  I think the producers ought to consider using this “mode” for him by adding it to his repitoire.  Imagine the delight and wonder for fans everywhere as they discover an area in which Beaker is actually good.

And, you know … this has a symbolic meaning for anyone who is downtrodden, rejected by society, and considered dumb or simple or slow … in short, for every looser, nerd, and zero of any sort … here is a symbol for you!

Being one of those downtrodden outcasts myself, I know how important this is.

You see, for  every one of us who is cast off by society–whether because we lack social skills, or because we studder or have another speach impediment, or due to mental illness or physical imfirmity–for whatever reason ”they,” the powers that make themselves the gods of the social world, choose to reject us and call us “Zeros,” we have a symbol.

With Beaker here, we have a symbolic representation of a universal truth: that every one of us has something special–some hidden talent or gift–something that somewhere, somehow, in some special circumstance, we, too will shine!

And it’s true … every one of us does have a gift.  We now know Beaker’s–he’s a lip-syncing savant … a star performer of the highest caliber–in his own special way.

Each of us is special in our own way, too … the loosers … the zeros … the nerds … the freaks … and the retards.  Every single one is special, too.

Here’s to you, Beaker, from all of us … losers and zeros every one.  Thank you!  And thanks to those who’ve edited your follies into films laden with possibilities … and a promise for the rest of us.

Yes, look at the stars … see how they shine for you, Beaker.  They’re shining for us all … for the losers, and even those that aren’t.

Stay Yellow.

SASS has Spoken.

– the SASS Man

I was reading an article today, about the current scientific theories of the expansion of the universe–and the fact that that expansion is apparently accelerating.  I have a theory of my own about that….

According to one theory, the so-called “Dark Energy” may actually be more powerful than the effect of the force of gravity.  If so, then the most distant galaxies will eventually be too far away to be seen from the earth…and in about a 50-100 billion years, or so, even the stars in our own galaxy will seemingly be flung away into the void, and finally the earth will explode, and the subatomic particles will fall apart completely.  Ouch!

But I think a far more simple explanation may be in order for what may be pushing the most distant galaxies away faster than Gravity can pull ‘em back towards the center.

Pressure.

That’s right…I believe that simple gas pressure, like the force that expands a Helium balloon, may be what’s pushing the galaxies apart.

Physicists have already proved in laboratory experiments that what we think of as ‘vacuum’ is not really empty.  In fact, the empty reaches of space are filled with a veritable sea of “virtual” particles.  In any given location, energy fluctuations may give rise to the spontaneous creation of particle-anti-particle pairs, such as electrons and positrons, or protons and anti-protons, etc.  Now, we have seen that there really is something in the universe akin to Einstein’s “Cosmological Constant”; and in particle accelerators, Positrons and Anti-protons decay into other particles, while electrons and protons, seemingly, are stable.  (At least, the matter in our bodies are not spontaneously flashing into pure energy, so it sure feels stable, anyway…).

Given this disparity between matter and anti-matter, and given the evidence of virtual particle-antiparticle pairs in the vacuum of space, it stands to reason that somehow, matter is being created in the empty space between the galaxies.

Let’s say, for example, that an electron and a positron come into existence somewhere between the local group and the next cluster of galaxies.  There is a chance that either one of those particles may decay into another form before both are consumed in a reaction with another positron or electron from another spontaneous reaction.  But the chance of the positron disintegrating is much higher than the chance for the electron.  That means that, nine times out of ten, there is going to be a loose electron that has no antiparticle to “level out” its existence.  Given millions, billions, or even trillions of such odd-particles-out, that distant void will gradually fill up with gas–mostly hydrogen–which begins to rain down on the galaxies.   And with that gas is coming momentum–as each virtual pair emerges from the background, the energy which spawned the pair is imparted on the particles as well!  Momentum and Mass are constantly being ADDED to the universe, simply because of the lifespan of antimatter!

If I am correct, then the “Big Rip” predicted by Physicists will not happen.  Instead, over billions of years, we will be able to observe the formation of new galaxies, the rebirth of star-formation in existing galaxies, and the eternal expansion of a universe that, in fact, can NEVER die, because its birth and rebirth have never actually ended!

And, in fact, there is some evidence that this is occurring.  astronomers have detected Hydrogen gas falling into the Milky Way from ouside, from the void over what they consider the “top” of our great galaxy.  Hydrogen gas, pouring in from the void, where the decay of antimatter from virtual particle-antiparticle pairs would leave behind the protons and electrons that make it up, and imparted with the momentum resulting from the spontaneous creation of virtual particle pairs, would collectively have just enough energy to give the galaxies that minute “kick” that our physicists are observing as “Dark Energy.”  The gas itself would represent the “missing mass” that we see in the observable universe, and the momentum of creation should be just about enough to account for “dark energy.”

Thus, I suggest, we have found the true secret of the expanding universe:  The Creation has never ended.  Our universe continues to be created all around us…and therefore, maybe there IS no end.

Who knows?  It’s just my thoughts…from One who Watches.

SASS has Spoken.

– the SASS Man

I got an email today. It’s one that’s been circulating a while … you probably know someone who sends emails with cute photographs or inspirational sayings. These things get passed virally from one person to twenty, and some of them go around the world multiple times.

Well, this was one that I think everyone ought to read, so I’m posting it here:

Beware of Garbage Trucks
by David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss,or an insensitive employee ruin your
day?

Unless you’re the Terminator, for an instant you’re probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly one can get back their focus on what’s important. Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here’s what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car’s back end by just inches!

The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.

”Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You’ll be happy you did.’ So this was it: The ‘Law of the Garbage Truck.’

I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, ‘I’m not going to do it anymore.’ I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie ‘The Sixth Sense,’ the little boy said,’I see Dead People.’ Well, now ‘I see Garbage Trucks.’ I see the load they’re carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don’t make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best. Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? Here’s my bet. You’ll be happier. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so..Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don’t. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, TAKE IT! If it changes your life, LET IT! Nobody said it would be easy…They just promised it would be worth it!

I know I’ll never think about people who dump on me the same way again.

What about you?

If you want to learn more, you can visit David J. Pollay’s site, The Law of the Garbage Truck™.

SASS has Spoken.

I’ve finally seen it: the Ultimate Spam-Filter Avoidance Technique.  Today, I got a message in my in-box, big as life, amd it wasn’t even marked as spam.  It read:

                                                     yx
gb    dy  lz                                        onfy     je       zhmd     dw
wk    ou                                           jsiudj  ecyi      hs  kp  sqwf
 fq  qv                                            hxmu      kn          xc    wm
 jk  jl   eb   ethz    hjlgt  hwpn   hrmi          ptll      fx          lw    dk
 bk  df   rl      kh  qp  bl  xby       fg          nxye     ig         ud     mv
  gdxn    rs   rtmjm  ci  ip  rs     objfx  opzoq    yeov    oi        vh      gu
  ltmo    co  ur  by  kv  he  ch    qx  ic           hspf    fv       gi       mh
   wc     cb  ep  sw  lr  rz  cd    yl  sp         hxyjxz    hf      wd        qq
   ei     oc   mcnwk   wdziz  le     jmkpx          gjko     bx  mn  ehqupf    dd
                          df                         xb
                      emzzi

Now,  don’t get me wrong, but…if your eyes can see what I can see, you probably already understand the problem.  Spam filters are designed to search through text looking for key words – like viagra, porn and big financial deals – and shuffle the messages off into oblivion.  And, if you look real closely, there’s plenty of text there–lots of it, in fact–all random letters layed out in a nice formatted grid courtessy of “Courier New,” Microsoft’s default Monospaced font.

But what the span filter WON’T see is what your eyes tell you: that this is a sales pitch for that miracle drug that lets men function even when older, failing hardware won’t let them.  And this, of course, is just the start.  I dropped the part that encoded their website address in the same fashion, as well as the snippet from some story or blog post entry that followed it (in a normal font and text size, of course) in order to fool the filter into thinking this was real.

Now, I should tell you, I filter my own spam.  Yes, I have filters on my server(s) mark the spam, but before I get rid of the crap, I like to check it.  It wasn’t from someone I knew, but that wouldn’t have mattered.  I often get messages from people I meet online, or from friends who’ve changed internet providers and so on.  Also, I can generally tell the ones from scammers in South Africa who claim to be needing to use my American bank account(s) to transfer $50,000 to €50 Million out of some defunct corrupt official’s accaounts.  Those people just want an account number so that they can rob my US checking account.  I just forwarded three of those to SPAM@UCE.GOV, the Federal Trade Commission’s Span Reporting address.

But this … this has to go.  I mean, it’s cool and all … As a geek, I get to point and laugh about how the creative Human Mind can overcome “this Technological Terror they’ve constructed” – one more bit of proof that the computer, while logical and fast, will NEVER be crazier (or better) than us.

But why does it always have to be spammers that figure this stuff out?

 bgjy   jh      lz    rc     qs
wk  ou  js            dj    ekox
fq      hx          knthwp  smrn
 jk     ebthz   hj    lg    okbq
  jk    rl  kh  qp    bl     wf
   dx   rs  jm  ci    ip     pl
    mo  co  by  kv    he     gc
zf  wc  cb  sw  lr    rz
 sgul   bw  we  op     mzz   un

SASS has Spoken.

I took a quiz today.  It was one of those silly online quizes that asks a question and then purports to tell you about yourself.  I found it here: “That kind of Fae are you?”

 The results were not surprising.  When I’m honest about myself, I’m down to earth, a realist, who looks for the good in all things but doesn’t depend on it.  I see good and bad in all things, and while I always prepare for the worst, I’m no pessimist; most things come out to a balance.  In the end, like Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones wold sing, “If you try sometimes, you get what you need.”

Here is the results from my quiz today:

What type of Fae are you?

Interresting, too, that the choice was a Nymph. Nymphs, you see, are known for their beauty and their sexuality. And while I am no gorgeous hunk, I have always considered myself a sexual person…perhaps even overly so. To one who is unprepared, or who has not asked permission first, the sight of a Nymph can blind or even kill a man. So, too, with me; many of the secrets I hold are startling…overwhealming. Perhaps that is why I blog. By revealing myself slowly, in posts over time, I may be seen as a complete story, and not as the sum of my secrets.

Perhaps. Though, like any Nymph might tell you…it’s never easy being green.

SASS has Spoken.

In recent weks I’ve seen alot of posts about the “Deline of marriage”, and the “breakop of marriages” and the drive to legalize gay and lesbian marriages, and a whole host of things about how bad it is in this country for marriages, and I have a few things to say about marriage that I think really ought to be considered before taking any side in these various debates.

First of all, we live in a country that sees itself as a bastion of freedom.  Now, I think that fact is critically important when regarding the subject of marriage.  Historically, marriage has been a purely political institution, all but unnecessary for the common people, and had been frequently been used as a form of low-impact slavery even up to the present day.  Throughout the third world, there still are girls basically sold off by their parents into arranged marriages, and the draconian laws on many books make it nearly impossible to escape from a life that has been imposed on young people–both men and women in some cases–for fear of being ostracized, persecuted, or worse.

In our own country, people often fare as bad, as, up until the 1960s and ’70s, teenagers who had sex outside of marriage were persecuted, and in some cases prosecuted for it.  Now we stand at a threshold where sex between consenting adults is acceptible, and a portion of our teenagers are sexually active in high and grade school, and we decry the failure of marriage and the breakdown of morals in our schools.  Why is this a problem?

Rest assured, there are alot fewer problems in the jungles of South America, where the native tribes don’t deal with political infrastructure or organized religion.  These are what really turn marriages into prisons to begin with.  As a political institution, marriage involves a unification of personal property, a legally binding contract, and in most cases, a religious recognition and vow.  It is a process of bringing together two lives under contract, and in no cases has any built-in guarantee (or, often any association at all) of love.

Love, you see, is the point of this pathetic story.  Marriage, as an institution, is no guarantee of love, and the fact is, marriage is not necessary in any way for love.  So, in effect, if two people truely want to be happy together, you can get rid of the “Institution” of marriage altogether, and this country will be perfectly fine.  We would eliminate the spectre of messy divorce, we could stop wasting millions on marriage counseling, and we could probably put those pretty white dresses to even more creative and fun purposes.

The point is that we don’t need marriage at all!  We don’t need to worry about teenage sex.  We need to worry about keeping people who are happy together safe from religious and political institutions who want to control them for political ends!  This is PRECISELY what happened during the 14-16th centuries when the church imposed harsh penalties (Burnings, beheaddings, hanging, torture) for extramarital sex, and forced couples to marry “Forever”–i.e., no divorce.  Back in those days, the peasants had it easy in that area–more wealthy families arranged marriages for political gain.  Anyone remember the marriage of Charles and Di?  Plenty of politics there.

In short, the political ramifications of marriage poison the concept of marriage, and that’s not something that the divorce rate or gay marriage have anything to do with.  If marriage is in trouble in this country, it is not because someone is having sex outside of marriage, or because someone wants to marry a gay lover.  It’s because we live in a free country, and we don’t have to live with your political poison anymore.

Long live the people!  Down with “political institutions!”

SASS has Spoken.

 – the SASS Man

Yep–that’s the right title.  I just posted a response to a discussion on Comcast’s message forums.  It seems that a woman has discovered that her house has a ghost – of a CAT!  Well, that makes alot of sense to me, and here’s what I said about it:

All creatures have spirits.  In fact, most religions believe that all things–animate or otherwise–have spirits.  There are spirits in the rocks, the trees, rivers and streams, and even our automobiles take on human characteristics.

And, of course, the spirits themselves take on different characteristics.  After my cat Greystone died, I guess he moved up to a higher level, because we’ve maintained a dialogue that has gone on for almost five years since he passed away.

Now, I should explain a few things here, since Greystone was rather a special cat to begin with.  In the first place, Greystone understood human speech pretty well, and I had no problem making myself understood to him.  But Greystone wanted more, and between 1987 and 1993 or so, he actually taught me to SPEAK CAT.  That’s right–I learned to perfectly mimic nearly all of the feline vocalizations, and even learned what they mean…TO A CAT.  Cats, you see, are not just hungry purring furballs meant for giving love to humans.  In fact, their evolution has not even revolved around humans except for the last 3,000 years or so (out of some 1.6 million years of evolution). 

What I’ve learned is, Cats have a rather sophisticated society of their own.  Greystone was a king–he ruled an area covering about 4 1/2 city blocks, and had his choice of females, prey, and food.  And, cats are political.  I’ve seen feline politics in action in many occasions, and was even called upon once to help resolve a dispute between two other cats!   (Unfortunately, I came back with the scratches to prove it–their form of justice is delivered by fang and claw, as you can immagine.)  But, the two toms got along marvelously after that. 

And then, Greystone’s wife moved in with us for a while.  Tht was the first time I ever saw a cat go steady–she had two litters of kittens before I took Greystone to the vet.  I couldn’t bear to have him altered in a way that would affect his personality, his authority, his politics, so I paid a little extra for a vasectomy.  It probably shortened his life, but I think it was worth it.  Greystone gave me 14 wonderful years of his life before he died, and a great deal of wisdom along the way.

And then he took on a new life altogether.  It was no pitter-patter of feet, and a strange depression on the pillow I felt.  Greystone spoke to me in the recesses of my mind in clear English words, in a deep, resonate, baritone voice worthy of any true king.  He now calls himself “John Tiberious Greystone,” and he’s adopted a tagline, invented by me, btw:  “The Legend of Greystone.”

Well, that legend continues.  Not content as a haunting, Greystone now accompanies me like a guardian angel, always present and able to converse with me.  He’s there at my mental fingertips along with God, my personal angel guardian (Whom I’ve known since I was a child) and the “spirit” of my car, who often jokes about my driving.

Maybe I’m mildly delusional, one would say.  But I’ve always been able to tell the difference between that which is real, and that wich is imaginary.  And while none of these voices are material, I can sense that they are real–fabrications of outside intelligences, and not the product of my own vivid imagination.  For, when I imagine something, as I must do to invent stories or play a Role-playing Game, the voices in my head, whatever timbre, gender, or language, are ME.  When John Tiberious Greystone speaks, it is my cat.  And only my cat.  And when God speaks…well, you get the idea.

There are non-physical entities all round us, and there always have been, and there always will.  And if one or more of those entities is, or once was the soul of a person or a favored pet, this is nothing unusual.  The Christian bible states somewhere that God knew each of us before we were a twinkling in our mothers’ eyes.  If that’s true, then there’s no reason He can’t know us–and we know each other–after our physical point of presence in this world has been shed and is no longer necessary for us.

A cat ghost?  Of course!  For all creatures, and indeed all things of this Earth have spirits.  They live with us, and they live forever.  So shall we all.

Amen.

SASS has Spoken.

– the SASS Man

And it’s all true.  Animals are sentient, and some have enough of it to do remarkable things.  Even act as our advisors after death.

SASS has spoken.

Seeya!

I just hit the top page of GOOGLE!  I did it with a search for “Eva Cassidy Fact Fable“–which, incidently, was my way of trying to find a video that my employer, Fact & Fable Productions, made as a tribute to Eva Cassidy, using their autumn footage and Eva’s song “Autumn Leaves.”  I put the song up on YouTube, and it has since begun to circumnavigate the virtual globe.

I embedded that YouTube video of “Autumn Leaves” in one of my posts, and Google picked it up.  Now, here’s the interresting part: there are multiple places where a person could find “Autumn Leaves”.  (Our version … done by Fact & Fable Productions, I mean).  Fact & Fable Productions is one of them, in fact … we put up a post on the Fact & Fable News Blog with the same information.  However, it was this very blog that Google caught, and presented to you at the top of the search engine listing.

Now … I doubt I’m considered a popular blog.  In fact, Fact & Fable Productions has a page rank of 2, and my measly little blog doesn’t even rate on Google’s bandwidth yet.  And still it was my copy, my embedded version of Autumn Leaves that Google presented to the world when I searched for it.  Not the F&F News Blog … not even the video on YouTube itself!  Me.

I feel so honored!  Thank you, Google!

SASS has Spoken.

p.s., Incidently, I’ve revisited this post, and my page still turns up at the second entry for the search.  However, now the YouTube page for it is at number one.  That makes alittle more sense now.  I still feel honored to be among such company.

 SASS has Spoken.  Again.

I saw a video on YouTube today, showing an immagined confrontation between a Star Wars battle fleet, and the Starship Enterprise.  It’s called, simply, “Star Trek vs. Star Wars”, and I’ve embedded it here:

This seems like a pretty realistic comparison of the relative power levels between Star Wars technology and Star Trek.  Although a Super Star Destroyer is hundreds of times larger than the Enterprise, Star Wars is a Fusion-reactor level technology, whereas Star Trek is Matter-Antimatter.

Also, except for Hyperspace (where, incidentally, Star Wars ships fly essentially blind) and The Force, everything in Star Wars is limited to the speed of light, including that Megalaser.  However, Star trek’s sensors and comm operate at Subspace speeds, and the Enterprise can easily detect, evade, and/or outrun any laser- or particle-based weapon.

Still, with the ammount of power generated by that moon-sized fusion reactor, it was wise for the Enterprise to get outta dodge–even Star Trek shields couldn’t have taken that massive charge!

So … believable or not–and I think both series rely quite alot on our ability to suspend our disbelief–I think this little battle between good and evil makes sense.

Which brings me to another old Star Wars memory of mine, from back in the days when I played the Star Wars Role-playing game.  That was the original D-6 version originally published by West End Games.  I had a young Jedi-wannabe by the name of Marlin Lazon.  Back in the day, Biggs, Luke, and I were the Begger’s Canyon Trio.  We used to compete to see who was the hottest, fastest, CRAZIEST pilot on Tatoine!–at least, until Biggs left for the academy.   You know that reunion with Biggs and Luke in the movie?   That happend about half an hour before I got there and we celebrated old times with a little tete-a-tete.

Well, things change fast in the Star Wars Extended Universe.  While Luke’s family was purchasing a pair of used droids, me and the guys who would become my adventuring group came across information that the Empire was about to waylay Admiral Antillies and his diplomatic mission to Alderaan.  (We had no idea about any Death Star … that was Luke’s part of history.)  However, we quickly set out for Mos Eisley to smuggle the information to a place called Yavin, which our freighter contact told us could best make use of the information.

Walking into the Mos Eisley Cantina, the aforementioned freighter captain came face-to-blaster-barrel with a small-time bounty hunter named Gredo.  “Going somewhere, captain?” our gamemaster intoned, in a PERFECT imitation of the Star Wars character’s tone and inflection.  Complaining that he didn’t have the money, our captain suggested that he was only a small-time smuggler, and suggested Gredo might go after “one of the big guys?  Like Solo?”  Just then, into the bar walked Han Solo himself.  Gredo smiled, pulling the blaster out of the freighter captain’s face.  “Excuse me,” he said–also in the Star Wars “Gredo-talk”–and marched to his place in the cannon of Star Wars history.

Now, we all know the “story” of the confrontation between Gredo and Han (Yes, HAN FIRED FIRST!  In an era of charged-energy weapons, he would have been STUPID to let that bounty hunter live long enough to squeze the trigger first!)  And I’ll never forget the reunion of the Beggers’ Canyon Three–the last time I saw my friend Biggs alive.  Too bad I couldn’t have flown in Luke’s squadron; I’ll always wonder if Biggs would have survived.  But then, I was a Y-wing pilot, and flying in a different squadron–one of the squadrons George Lucas added for the Special Edition version.  In fact, you can actually hear my character in one of the Death Star scenes!  I swear, I spoke some of those exact phrases in the battle, years before the Special Edition film was made!  It was simply uncanny!  But what really holds this memory firmly in my mind, and what my fellow gamer will live with for the rest of the Extended Universe, is that it was his character that ultimately got poor Gredo killed.

We would go on to influence things in the background.  I and my collegues defeated a team of would-be sith, and destroyed an early version of the Sun-Crusher.  I found I could almost pass for a dark-sider, with my black-hulled astromech, simply by sitting in a scene and saying nothing … until I spoke softly and emotionlessly, “Shall I prepare your shuttle .. master?”  Even the “Sith-dudes” got chills!  Plus, I eventually started a collection of battle droids.  I discovered that R4 had enough internal memory to control about a dozen of those otherwise mindless blasters-with-feet, and could provide a good cover screen for a group of advancing Jedi and their supporters.

And, unlike Darth Maul or Anakin Skywalker, I didn’t fight with multiple ’saber blades.  I found an oversized energy crystal, and I built a massive two-handed saber with a blade that could extend from two meters to over three meters long!  The blade was ten centimeters across!  This was before the Wizards of the Coast D-20 version of the game that offered rules for that kind of thing!

Ah, the memories.  Sadly, that gaming group disbanded, and when I again joined a group that played Star Wars, it was the D-20 game, with a greatly reduced Force Powers system, and set nearly 20 years after the original trilogy.  I’m playing Marlin Lazon, Jr., the son of my original concept, and Gaath Dauk, a man who wants to rebuild the ancient Sith tradition, but without being rivals to the Jedi.  (Actually, Gaath’s signature phrase is, “Be GRATEFUL I am on your side!” to his two Jedi collegues.  “The only problem with the Jedi council is, they don’y even have a SITH!”)

It’s too bad, too.  We were already on our way to Bespin following a lead on information that the empire might be building another Death Star.  Had the original gaming group survived, you might have seen my character stalking through the Ewok Forest with Luke and Han in the Special Edition remake!  HONEST!  I really believe George Lucas had a spy monitoring our gaming group for ideas for his Star Wars remakes–after all, he DID put me in the battle of Yavin IV!

SASS has Spoken.